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Timbers Army Fighting Hangovers One Saturday At A Time

There are times when your rivals lob you a softball, then there's what the Portland Timbers supporters group, the Timbers Army, did on Tuesday. To call it lobbing a softball to fans in Seattle would be a gross understatement, as would calling the Timbers Army's latest blog post simply "funny." After critiquing the performance of the supporters group, including the tune and volume of individual sections, the writer demanded answers for a day of singing that simply wasn't up to snuff. And boy were the answers hilarious.

This is an actual blog post from the Timbers Army.

One thing that I will remember is the tone of sections 101-108 & 201-208. While we were certainly louder than most other American supporters sections this weekend, I don’t believe our A-game was on display. The volume was down a notch or two. The breaks between chants seemed a bit longer. When compared to our previous five appearances this season, yesterday’s presence was above average, but not excellent.

[Fast forward to the why]

3) Too many hangovers.

Folks, I read the Twitters and Facebooks. I know what most of us were up to. In this world where everyone shares everything at every possible juncture, it’s difficult to avoid the mundane updates. I’m just as guilty of this. So it’s not hard for me to recognize the signs. We were slower. We were quieter. We had to exert more energy for a lesser performance.

Wait, so the Timbers Army is now monitoring its members Facebook and Twitter accounts? Creepy, but whatever works.

The solution is quite simple for the Timbers Army. Or maybe not quite simple, depending on how you view them. Either way, Timbers Army leaders have called for a vow of sobriety, and it just happens to fall before Portland and the Seattle Sounders face-off for round two on July 10.

I want all Timbers Army members to stay 100% sober on Saturday, July 9.

This includes all of July 9 (midnight to midnight), and part of July 10 (midnight to 6:00 am). You can only start drinking after 6:00 am on match day, and after you’re within walking distance of JWF. That’s 30 hours of sobriety, followed by seven hours of "ramp-up time" prior to kick-off.

HOLY CRAP 30 HOURS OF SOBRIETY AND ONLY SEVEN HOURS TO GET COMPLETELY HAMMERED? WHAT EVER WILL THEY DO?

I find this all incredibly adorable and hope the Timbers Army feels that 30-plus hours of sobriety is worth it after Seattle marches into Jeld-Wen, takes three points and leaves Portland fans wondering what hit them and why they needed to save up so much energy for a worthless performance.