NFL Lockout Players As Star Wars Characters And The Week In Seahawks Fandom

First of all, let's get to know each other. My name is Danny. I'm a Libra. Or I used to be anyway, I think it might have changed.

Ok, enough chit chat. Some of you, I presume, aren't addicted to the Internet like I am. You may not check your favorite Seahawks' websites and blogs (most likely Field Gulls) on an hourly basis like I do; consult your twitter feed for up-to-the-minute updates on what is going on with the lockout, free agency rumors, player interviews, coaches comments, Justin Beiber, etc etc etc. Well, that's where I come in.

If you're not currently up to date on what's happened in the last week in Seahawks football, you can now rely on me for a hebdomadal wrap-up with some in-depth analysis and investigatory journalism. (And by investigatory journalism I mean I Google-search pertinent topics and then tell you what I found on the Internets).

First off, typically this time of year is wrought with a frenzy of activity but there's something called a 'lockout' going on. Because of this, players have been forced to take vacations work out by themselves and get arrested a lot organize their own team activities.  At this point in the offseason, it hasn't negatively affected teams too much, but it's getting to a point in time where if this thing drags on any longer, the on-field product is going to suffer (players will get tired really quick and not know the plays, which will result in football closely resembling a soccer game of 7-year-olds all swarming around the ball as the parents and coaches yell from the sideline to spread out). (Then they'll all break for Capri sun and orange wedges). (No one wants that). 

Fear not fans! Progress has been made. I'll get to that in a moment but first, let me put this whole lockout into Star Wars terms, because whenever I'm confused, I put things into Star Wars terms and then it all makes sense:

The NFL Owners group is like the Empire (and Al Davis is probably the closest one to looking like the Emperor.) They want power and control of all the galaxy's resources ("more revenue") and the Rebel Alliance ("the players") want their piece of the pie. Roger Goodell is kind of like Darth Vader in that he does the Emperor's bidding, but some little part of him still has a little bit of empathy with the Rebels' cause. He does, however, take a lot of pleasure in disciplining these rebellious rebels from time to time. 

Tom Brady is probably Han Solo (or maybe Drew Brees? He might be too short) and Erin Andrews is definitely Princess Leia in my reckoning. I don't really know who the Ewoks would be (who is short... maybe DeSean Jackson?) and Robert Gallery is probably the best Chewbacca I can think of. John Elway kind of looks like Luke Skywalker but that doesn't really work in this metaphor. Warren Moon would play Lando Calrissean if he could re-grow his mustache. John Clayton would be obviously be C-3PO.  

You see what's going on now, and you're welcome. Anyway, apparently things have started clicking because the players and owners are close to coming to some sort of understanding, according to NFL sources. So keep your fingers crossed on that one, because if this lockout continues any longer, I'm going to have to start putting it in Twilight terms just to keep up. The bottom line, though, is that optimism prevails and according to these sources, two weeks is a reasonable time-frame to expect an end to these shenanigans. 

Apart from breaking news in relation to when it might end, in a lockout you can't really write about anything all that exciting. Hey look, the players got together today and threw a football to each other! Hey look, this one guy or this other dude was on the radio! Hey look, 8 people decided that Qwest Field is hard to play in! I've even stooped to giving my opinion on which outfits uniforms in the NFL are the prettiest and/or most ghastly. 

To avoid doing that kind of thing too much, I've endeavored to explain in detail the way that the Seahawks play defense with Pete Carroll as a coach. It turned out pretty interesting actually. I've gotten in touch with Seahawk players and gotten interviews with them. Those turned out pretty informative. I've started breaking down plays in excruciating and exceedingly tedious detail. People seem to like these because the fact of the matter is, people like football. 

The one thing that the media hasn't suffered with is SPECULATION. Speculating is so much fun. I've written probably one hundred articles based purely on my own speculations. I speculate on other peoples' speculations. I love to speculate. Speculating is all I can do right now and the word speculation is fun to say. The most fun thing to speculate about is whether or not Matt Hasselbeck might re-sign with the Seahawks. This really gets people fired up. If we were talking about it in person some people might get punched by other people because of Matt Hasselbeck's unknown contractual future and what it means in our lives. It must be weird to be Matt Hasselbeck.

Like I said, nothing is going on right now. Because there's a lockout. And nobody's doing anything. But I miraculously keep finding things to write about. Because my obsession knows no bounds.

You can find a whole lot more on the Seahawks, including the latest news and rumors, over at Field Gulls.