Brian Bosworth Rates The Seattle Mariners

Hey there, chumps. Brian Boswoth here*. Y'all know me. The most extreme, in-your-face, smash-mouthin'est football player that Seattle has ever seen. The man who brought the NFL into the 1990s ... and beyond. The man who was single-handedly responsible for causing Oakley stock to rise 10,000 percent in my rookie season.

Anyway enough about me (heh, as if you could ever hear enough about me). I've been asked to chime in on the first month that your local baseball team has put in the books and rate their performances on the most extreme and in-your-face scale possible: THE BOZ-O-METER.

So let's dive on in and tackle (heh) the team you all know and love, the ... Seattle Mariners? That can't be right, can it? Oh well. I'll be rating everything on a scale of 1 to 10 "Boz"es. The higher the amount of Boz, the more extreme the performance. LET'S DO THIS.

Justin Smoak

This guy was supposed to be a lot better than this. Yeah, sure, he's jacked three dingers, but he's only got one double and 10 RBIs! Dude should be jackin' more dingers. Still, he's got a pretty bad-ass last name, because smoke is bad-ass.

I GIVE HIM A 4.5 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Ichiro Suzuki

Dude's a beast. A little beast, sure, but how can you hate on Ichiro? Short answer: you can't. He's not nearly as in-your-face as I'd like him to be. Also, he should work on his chest and arms if he really wants to intimidate. I dig the way he holds the bat like a sword before he swings, too. That's pretty extreme. Pretty friggin' 90s.

I GIVE HIM A 7.3 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Chone Figgins

This dude has like the least extreme name ever. Bro, if you're gonna extreme up the name "Shawn," you gotta spell it with an "X" at the very least. Like, "XEAN FIGGINZ" or something. This dude isn't very good at hitting, though. From what I hear.

I GIVE HIM LIKE A 2.7 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Miguel Olivo

This dude makes Bengie Molina look like Peter Bourjos. And I don't know who either of those people are! Dude pulled his groin, which is pretty much the least Boz-like injury I can imagine. Plus, he has the second-least hits on the team and is tied for the least RBI. Since those are the main stats I understand, I can pretty easily say this guy stinks on ice.

I GIVE HIM A 1.0 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Brendan Ryan

Okay so THIS dude has the least hits on the team AND the least RBI. And he's batting .157?! That's not just under the Mendoza line, that's under the Mendoza limbo competition. (Ice burn.) BUT Ryan gets points for not pulling his groin.

I GIVE HIM A 2.5 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Kevin Millwood

Whoa, this dude is still in baseball?! I can't tell if that's super extreme or super un-extreme.

I'LL SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE AND GIVE HIM 5.0 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Blake Beavan

Dude is named after one of the most 90s shows ever, "Beavan and Butt-Head." So extreme!

I GIVE HIM A 6.5 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Brandon League

Dude leads the team in tattoos. Extreme as hell.

I GIVE HIM AN 8.8 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Felix Hernandez

Dude is a hoss and a beast and a monster all at one. A hossbeaster. King Felix remains as lights-out as ever and the most elite of elite pitchers. Not a single complaint can be had.

I GIVE HIM A 9.2 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

Kyle Seager

This guy leads the team in RBIs, doubles, dingers AND batting average. He's clearly the best player on the team through the first month or so. I'd like to see him tackle some more people and maybe show up to more games in helicopters, but this guy is a Boz after my own heart.

I GIVE HIM AN UNBEATABLE 10.0 ON THE BOZ-O-METER

* This is clearly not Brian Bosworth. I think we've been had, everyone. -- Ed.

For all news and information regarding the Seattle Mariners, please visit Lookout Landing. Unless you're some kind of chump or something.