NFL Picks, Week 2: 'Tannehilling,' Jake 'The Ferndale Marauder' Locker, & More

We're starting a little late, but it's time to roll out some weekly NFL picks for the 2012 season. This is an unbelievably human process, rife with unpredictability (guesses) and circumspection (eeny-meeny-miney-d'oh). Nonetheless, onward and upward:

Season record: 0-0

Bears @ Packers: Packers come back from a loss to San Fran with authoritay. (this is ridiculously easy when the games already been played). Win 23-10 and score on a fake field goal. PICK: THIS GAME ALREADY HAPPENED. WHOOPS.

Raiders @ Dolphins: The Miami Dolphins' season is going to end up in a tuna net. Bold prediction: "Tannehilling" becomes a verb, and not a good one. Raiders run on ‘em, win. PICK: RAIDERS

Texans @ Jaguars: Texans have the smell of a post-trendy Super Bowl pick, with a stout defense and a sick run game. Jaguars can't hang. PICK: TEXANS

Browns @ Bengals: The Ohio Bowl, Episode One: Threat Level Midnight. Balanced Cincinnati attack scores some, and I'm betting their defense scores as well. Browns out - McCoy in? PICK: BENGALS

Chiefs @ Bills: Could this be a sneaky good game? No, Chiefs are the Texans of Missouri, which is not as good, but good enough to get past Bills. PICK: CHIEFS

Vikings @ Colts: Wet Noodle Game of the Year of the Week. Colts win with their superior spirit fingers. PICK: COLTS

Bucs @ Giants: I think the Giants get off to yet another slow start this year. The young Bucs steal one in New York. PICK: BUCCANEERS

Saints @ Panthers: I hear this game features two good Quarterbacks, and one good defense if you were to combine the defensive players on both rosters (Zing!). Panthers in a shootout. PICK: PANTHERS

Cardinals @ Patriots: Cards can't blitz Brady all game like they did to Russell Wilson. But they'll try. Patriots get all jiggy with it and Arizona gets tannehilled (see!). Brady celebrates with a new haircut that secretly embarrasses every resident of New England. PICK: PATRIOTS

Redskins @ Rams: Skins fans flying high after RGIII's spectacular start. This week they play a team not on their backup to the backup head coach. The Universe conspires in Jeff Fisher's favor, and the Rams shock Eastern Missouri, upset Skins. PICK: RAMS

Cowboys @ Seahawks: You know what's overrated? Calling the Cowboys underrated. The 12th Man busts out Warhawk, and Seattle gets to 1-1. PICK: SEAHAWKS

Ravens @ Eagles: Game of week, if the Va Tech Vick shows up. After his "performance" against the Browns, Baltimore focuses all efforts on stopping LeSean McCoy. Ravens win. PICK: RAVENS

Titans @ Chargers: Kenny Britt will see the field, but will Jake "The Ferndale Marauder" Locker? San Diego surfs to victory. PICK: CHARGERS

Jets @ Steelers: Quietly intriguing game with two teams we don't hear much about. Steelers win, everyone else loses. PICK: STEELERS

Lions @ 49ers: The winner of this game? Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth, who will likely find a way to work in a mention or two about a certain handshake. NBC will build up this rivalry. Harbaugh/Schwartz could be the new Gregg Williams/class. Jesting aside, this is a fun new school vs old school game, pitting the Lions passing attack against SF's hermetic defense. Home field advantage tips the scales towards Niners, but they'll need Alex Smith to keep the offense on the field. PICK: NINERS

Broncos @ Falcons; After balling like R. Kelly chaperoning prom, Matt Ryan and his terrible nickname (seriously, it's just bad) face Denver, Von-Doom and Eli's brother. This will be a fun game, and I expect Atlanta to pull it out. PICK: ATLANTA