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NFL Week 7 Picks: Insert search engine optimized title here (something catchy!)

Thearon W. Henderson

Managed a meek 8-6 last week, now 45-31 on season, so yeah, there's that. Week Seven is muddy waters, my friends. Some of these games don't have an up or down. If the NFL season were a lifeboat adrift at sea, right about now is when we'd start having crazy thoughts. Like, you already picked out the person you'd eat first, but now you're wondering how you'd cook them on such a small boat.

On that note, picks!

Seattle @ San Francisco: Ok, here's how I interpret the national media's spin on this game, which has become about the 49ers defense versus Seattle's defense.

Um, defenses don't play each other. Like, ever.

So, which side would you rather be on? The vaunted, stalwart defense who is trying to stop Alex Smith? Or, the vaunted, stalwart defense trying to stop Russell Wilson. Before last weekend, the answer to this question might be different, but after watching Wilson lay waste to the Patriots, it's clearly the side trying to stop Alex Smith. And coming off a dismantling at the hands of the Giants (a very good football team), the Niners ain't looking so hot. They actually ran the ball effectively against NY, to the tune of 4.7 ypc. But they only ran it 17 times, probably because shortly after the second half kickoff they went down by two touchdowns. Ask Colix Smithernick to throw it 37 times, and the Niners are in trouble.

Bonus side of conspiracy theory: Was Ben Stiller's character in Dodgeball based on Jim Harbaugh? Couldn't you see Jim Harbaugh in a white leather suit, menacingly telling Mike Singletary "nobody makes me bleed my own blood", or is it so unbelievable he fired Josh Johnson to get around pesky employer/employee dating rules?

"I'm Jim. J-I...............M."

PICK: Seattle. U MAD BRO?!

Green Bay @ St. Louis: Game recognize game, Green Bay, and you're looking kind of familiar. Welcome back, NFL's version of Sonic Unleashed. PICK: PACKERS

Arizona @ Minnesota: Right now, somewhere, Jared Allen is like Dwight Schrute headed to a Battlestar Galactica convention, all sweaty palms and anticipation. I expect to see a lot of that sack dance where he appears to mimic mixing up a batch of meth and having it explode in his face in an abandoned Iowa barn. PICK: VIKINGS

NY Jets @ New England: This game unravels quickly for NY, as they lack the firepower to keep up with the Patriots, and it only gets worse when Sanchez tries to take a duck-lipped self portrait of himself and Brady on his Samsung Galaxy III during the second half. It's the last one he needs for his facebook album "Hawtness". PICK: PATRIOTS

Dallas @ Carolina: I admit, I'm the first to poke a Dallas Cowboy corpse of a season with a stick, but I think I've been too hard on this team. Their three losses have been at the hands of Seattle and Baltimore on the road, and they dropped a home game to the juggernaut that is the Bears (yup! I Said it!). Their defense has been very good, and if they could squeeze a little more out of the ground game, they'd be in a really good place to make a serious second half run. PICK: COWBOYS

Baltimore @ Houston: We were robbed of a potential barnburner by the injuries to Ray Lewis and Ladarius Webb. I expect Houston to tamale the empty corn husk that is Ravens' defense. PICK: TEXANS

Jacksonville @ Oakland: Jacksonville is so bad. This could be the game Darren McFadden gets unhinged. Or hurt. This could most definitely be the game Darren McFadden gets hurt. Basically, I expect his performance to be somewhere between 225 rushing yard and one where he trips walking into the stadium, and lands in a puddle of flesh eating bacteria. PICK: RAIDERS

Cleveland @ Indianapolis: Andrew Luck at home, against a soft defense like Cleveland? Browns are lucked. PICK: COLTS

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati: This game features two teams coming off bad losses, who have to be questioning themselves a little bit right now. That kind of tailspin can be tough, but a veteran Steeler team is likely more apt to pull out of it. That being said, AJ Green. Still, make or break game for these teams, methinks. PICK: Steelers.

Detroit @ Chicago: I am just not sure what to make of Chicago. On paper, they are terrific. But these games are played on grass, not paper, that'd be ridiculous! Anyway, they've played well against some middling teams, which is both saying a lot and not much, because middling NFL teams are still pretty good. But they have yet to really test their mettle against an elite squad, and really won't until the face Houston in week 10. Detroit has become that team that plays everyone close. They have played games this year decided by 4, 8, 3, 7 and 3. Two overtime games as well. I think they keep it close and give Chicago a good scare. Ultimately, home field props the Bears up enough to win. PICK: BEARS

Tennessee @ Buffalo: These are two teams coming off fairly surprising wins, and while Tennessee's was arguably bigger when they picked off the Steelers, don't forget the Bills went to Arizona and capitalized on the Cardinals' paper mache offensive line. I like the home team here. PICK: Bills

Washington @ NY Giants: The Giants are bizarre. Is there any doubt now they actually play better on the road than at home? And they might be ripe for a let down this week......or was last Sunday was the beginning of a roll for this veteran, Super-Bowl winning squad? PICK: GIANTS

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay: Plainly speaking, teams that can throw the ball beat the Bucs. Teams that must run don't. Guess which type New Orleans is? PICK: SAINTS.