Old or young, the Relic only believes that which is confirmed through the passage of time. This fan is nostalgic for five minutes ago, when things made sense. The Relic cherishes old coaches, old players, old styles, old strategies and, above all, their completely warped confabulation of old coaches, old players, old styles and old strategies. This is the best time in the history of Seattle sports, in ten years.
Favorite word or phrase: "Remember"
Mortal enemy: The Futurist
Jersey: Steve Largent
Achilles Heel: Longtime fans that do not suffer excessive nostalgia.
Can be heard saying: "Call me back when Ackley surpasses Joey Cora."
For the Futurist, the culmination of the season is the NFL Draft. Only then can a team cash in a season filled with hard-fought losses. This fan has an encyclopedic knowledge of the Mariners farm system, the Sounders Academy, every draft eligible player, but not the Seahawks practice squad, which has already faded into irrelevance, deems the Futurist. The Futurist is most concerned with athletes that have never actually played professionally for their sports teams and their potential, which is invariably projected towards infinity.
Favorite word or phrase: "I'm not rooting for the us to lose, but ..."
Mortal enemy: The Relic
Jersey: Blaise Nkufo
Achilles Heel: Playoff run
Can be heard saying: "The Seahawks should tank 2010 so they can draft Jake Locker."
The Recent Convert
The Recent Convert is not inherently disloyal, per se, but the [Seahawks, Mariners, Sounders, Huskies, Cougars] have sucked pretty hard recently and they're getting a little fed up with losing. This fan is growing impatient and is therefore highly critical of any perceived screw up by a player, the coaches or the front office. A Recent Convert is typically an out-of-market fan that picked up a Seattle team during a successful run and stuck with them until it was their primary team. This fan eventually either settles into true fandom or bails. The Recent Convert abhors losing most of all, but a bad trade, hire or draft pick can also endanger their fandom.
Favorite word or phrase: #6org
Mortal enemy: The True Believer
Jersey: Shaun Alexander
Achilles Heel: Time
Can be heard saying: "I can't stand another season like this. Hey, who's your playoff team?"
The True Believer
If sport is a religion, the True Believer was born a Snake Handler and is going to die a Snake Handler. This fan abhors analysis, because analysis is sometimes critical. The True Believer unabashedly refers from and defers to the team site for all information and coverage. Every losing streak: a lesson; every management or personnel decision: justified; every losing season: just about to turn around; and anyone that says different has no fucking clue what they're talking about.
Favorite word or phrase: "I have a feeling"
Mortal enemy: The Recent Convert
Jersey: "Win Forever"
Achilles Heel: Zero-sum games.
Can be heard saying: "I'm going to trust the guy getting paid millions and not the dude living in his grandma's basement."
The Lieutenant GM
The Lieutenant GM spends three quarters of their free time in Madden's off-season mode. For this fan, knowing the players is only a means to an end. And that end is endless permutations of batshit trade scenarios. Every draft pick can be traded down for a haul, every once-good player can be unloaded for three undervalued prospects, and most of all, no one, and I mean no one, has thought of this blockbuster deal I'm about to throw a'cha. The Lieutenant GM is hopelessly involved with themselves and their ideas, and the game and its outcome are a mere trifle compared to their Master Plan.
Favorite word or phrase: "Trade down"
Mortal enemy: The Realist
Jersey: Custom Tim Lincecum
Achilles Heel: Truth
Can be heard saying: "Bill Bavasi traded the farm for Erik Bedard, so I'm sure we could pry Jesus Montero away for Jose Lopez, Jason Vargas and cash considerations."
The Problem Gambler
You've never seen the Problem Gambler on your site / in your team bar / at your team's stadium before, but holy hell are they hanging on every play. They want to know the matchups, the injury report, the back story and the rumors, and when play starts, damned if they can take their eyes away from the action. This fan suffers an intense, selfish and hollow excitement, and has no true team affiliation. They like the Seahawks versus the Bills, but only if Matt is healthy and the spread is good. They know Felix is crap on Tuesday's against AL East teams, and damn the pitch is playing slow today -- which means everything! Everything, my man. Everything. The Problem Gambler has a strong but passing affinity for the True Believer and the Conspiracy Theorist, but never the realist, who creeps them out.
Favorite word or phrase: "Anyone got any hot tips?"
Mortal enemy: Bookies
Jersey: Josh Brown (now pawned)
Achilles Heel: The house
Can be heard saying: "No. No! NO! DON'T KICK THE FIELD GOAL! Go for it. Go for it you cowards!"
The Realist affects an unwavering and aloof detachment. Every win: anticipated: Every loss: expected. The Realist does not believe, or does not seem to believe, anything that did not happen could have happened, and is quick to shoot holes through ideas to the contrary. This fan is insufferable, both for their smug attitude and seeming inability to enjoy or feel anything about wins, losses, trades, signings, championships or tragic plane crashes. Between watching sports, this fan can be found waging protracted discussions about Kierkegaard and the ubermensch's capacity to rise above personal relationships.
Favorite word or phrase: "Actually"
Mortal enemy: The Lieutenant GM
Jersey: Please, only children and the jejune wear jerseys.
Achilles Heel: Strangulated Hemorrhoids.
Can be heard saying: "I truly doubt the Yankees actually offered Jesus Montero in trade for Cliff Lee."
For most, the allure of sports is the sport itself, but for the Friendly, it is not the harsh action, but the surrounding culture that is of most interest. This fan loves quirky players, handsome players, coincidences, human interest stories, promotions, uniforms, logos, mascots, stadia, autographs, charity events, parades, meet-ups and all the piddling crap that sickens so many of us. The Friendly is a fan, an agreeable and integral fan, but the Friendly is 10,000 times more likely to show for I Can Has Cheezburger night than the debut of Justin Smoak.
Favorite word or phrase: "Bobblehead"
Mortal Enemy: Anger Fan
Jersey: The Boz
Achilles Heel: Nine innings, four quarters, two halves, etc.
Can be heard saying: "I wonder when they'll hold another Griffey bobblehead night?"
The Traitor tried. The Traitor gave it their best. But the Team just didn't try back. The Team betrayed the Traitor, by losing and losing and losing and los -- and the Traitor just couldn't take it anymore. It started harmlessly. It started with just an occasional peek at that other box score, but then they made the playoffs, and the Team was out of it, and the Traitor figured it didn't hurt to cheer for another team without anyone else to cheer for. The playoffs were fun. The playoffs changed everything. And when the next season started, they don't know, they just couldn't go back to the same old losing and bad decisions and failure.
Favorite word or phrase: "History."
Mortal Enemy: The Superfan
Jersey: Kevin Youkilis
Achilles Heel: Friends that know their origin story explaining how, years ago, they became a fan of the [Packers, Red Sox, Lakers, etc] is utter bullshit.
Can be heard saying: "My third uncle was a Green Bay fan. Bart Starr. Used to take me whitewater rafting on the Snake. Think that's where I got it from."
Anger Fan is sick of these princesses going through the effin motions! Anger fan is about to put on a pair of cleats just so these GIRLS know how [sport] is played by MEN. Anger Fan doesn't WORK da shipyards* so a bunch of no talent, inner-city homeboys can skip around like IT'S FUCKIN RECESS. IF THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE CAN'T PUT A PRODUCT ON THE FIELD WORTH WATCHING, ANGER FAN IS AFRAID THAT ANGER FAN CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO PUT DOWN THEIR MIDDLE FINGER! SECURITY BETTER NOT BE--OH, HELL, YOU DID NOT JUST CALL SECURITY.
I AM AN AMERICAN, A CUSTOMER, A TAX PAYER AND IF YOU -- I WILL SUE! I WILL SUE!! I WILL OWN THIS TEAM!!!
Favorite word or phrase: "Good money"
Mortal enemy: The Friendly
Jersey: Lou Piniella
Achilles Heel: Coronary disease.
Can be heard saying: "I PAID GOOD GODDAMN MONEY FOR THESE SEATS AND IF YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU BETTER BE HOLDING A TASER AND A WARRANT."