EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 9: Head coach Pete Carroll of the Seattle Seahawks during a game against the New York Giants at MetLife Stadium on October 9, 2011 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Rich Schultz /Getty Images)
If you're dying to find out how the Seahawks are doing, you might want to read this post. Keep in mind I said 'might' there.
The Seahawks have played five of their sixteen regular season games so they're about one-third of the way in. Let's take a minute to talk about positional groups:
Tarvaris Jackson struggled early but actually played surprisingly well the last two games and his last six quarters were probably the best of his career. Of course, since we're talking about the Seahawks, just when he started playing well, he suffered a high-grade pectoral strain in the 3rd quarter of the Giants game and now may miss significant time. Backup QB Charlie Whitehurst, popular with women and people that don't like Tarvaris Jackson, came on in relief and played fairly well too. If Jackson misses time, Charlie's the man. If Jackson doesn't miss time, we might have a QB controversy, especially if he struggles. I'm really hoping there's no controversy, and that means that one of the two of those guys just will have to play awesome. Is that too much to ask?
The Seahawks actually have a pretty decent WR corps. This guy named Sidney Rice got signed during the offseason and he plays football at a high level. He can catch things well, specifically footballs, and when quarterbacks throw it to him he does a good job of not dropping it. This is the hallmark of a good receiver.
Rookie Doug Baldwin, an undrafted rookie free agent, is actually leading the team in receiving and is a wily son of a bitch at finding open spots in the zone. He too uses his hands to catch footballs, something that is apparently pretty hard, cause these guys make a lot of money to do so.
Other guys on the Seahawks that are proficient at football include Mike Williams, Ben Obomanu, Golden Tate, and probably Kris Durham. Mike Williams is also proficient at being a large human being and often uses his size to shield off defenders and catch passes that not many human beings could catch. For this, I appreciate him. Golden Tate blah blah yadda yadda Top Pot Donuts? Ben Obomanu is fun to have around because announcers don't know how to pronounce his name and it usually sounds like a guy with a severe stutter talking about our President. Kris Durham is tall.
The Seahawks used to have a lot of tight ends. Now they have two. Maybe only one, depending on how Zach Miller is feeling. That leaves Anthony McCoy, who I'd characterize as a guy with a ton of potential that at times develops the dropsies. That being said, I'm a big fan of his and am really looking forward to when he's a star. This one time, he scored a touchdown and then 'dunked' the football over the goalpost. It was awesome. I've always wanted to do that.
The O-Line has gotten a lot better. They started out really sucky. But then Tom Cable taught them to not be sucky. Which is nice. James Carpenter lost 25 pounds and magically was a lot better at football. John Moffitt kind of looks like John Belushi I think. So that's sweet. Max Unger has a funny name but he's played a lot better than a lot of people thought he would. Robert Gallery was on Sons of Anarchy and he didn't even have to get dressed up. He's hurt, but might be back soon.
Russell Okung is sweet. Paul McQuistan gets made fun of for being ugly but he's good at playing left guard. Tyler Polumbus was once called "Troy" by Pete Carroll in his introductory press conference or interview or something. That was pretty awesome.
Have you ever wondered how many stone our offensive line trio of Brandon Mebane, Red Bryant, and Alan Branch weighs? Me too. It's about 71 stone. Which doesn't really sound that intimidating. Less than a hundred? No wonder we only use pounds here in the colonies. They're 1000 pounds of run-stopping awesome and they've combined to be 2nd in the NFL against the run after 5 games.
Chris Clemons is on the D-Line too, technically, but his LEO position is kind of weird. He rushes the passer a lot and so far has 4 sacks, and he's on pace for about 12. That's pretty good! He's very good at his job. I like Chris.
David Hawthorne's nickname is "Heater". That's a pretty badass nickname because the two things I've heard refered to colloquially as 'Heater' are guns and cigarettes (which movies tell me are really cool). I don't know what Leroy Hill's nickname is but if it's anything as badass as his abilities on the field it's probably "Swashbuckler" or something like that. K.J. Wright probably doesn't have a nickname yet because he's a rookie and they're still trying to remember his name. Ok, I'm kidding, he starts. So that means he's pretty good at football, usually.
Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor are known on the team as "Thunder and Lightning" and I'm telling you this because I guess this article has turned into me just telling you what players' nicknames are. I think it's because one is fast and one hits hard. But they're both fast and hit hard so I guess it remains a mystery who's who. Marcus Trufant has many many brothers that play football but he's apparently the best. Brandon Browner came from the mythical land named "Ca'nad'a" and is now playing football for the Seahawks, it's quite a story.
The English call people who frequently visit brothels, bet on horse racing, excessively watch pornography, and regularly patronize strip clubs "punters". I call Jon Ryan a punter. He's one hell of a punter. I'm using the American version of the word, but can neither confirm nor deny whether the English would call him one hell of a punter too. Probably not, he seems like a standup guy, even though he has fiery red hair.
Welp, I've just told you absolutely nothing.