Picks for Thanks-ful Week 12: Soviet Era Space Technology, Reaganing, and Nate Newton

Rob Carr

Week 12: 10-4

Season: 96-47 (and 1. I refuse to call a tie a loss)

Texans @ Lions: Where in the Jiminy-Thanksgiving did the Texans' defense go last week? I'm thinking that was just a little hiccup, and they should get back on track shortly. But still, Jacksonville (CHAD. HENNE.) did some major damage in that game. Hmm, Detroit is better than the Jaguars, and at home.......It just doesn't feel right. PICK: TEXANS

Redskins @ Cowboys: I haven't had much interest in this game since Nate Newton retired, and I could no longer hold out hope that in the middle of the game the camera would pan over and catch the nimble 400-pounder stealthily spiriting away with that weird ass six legged John Madden turkey. I mean you know he thought about it, right? This is the guy who got arrested twice in the span of weeks with a total of 388 POUNDS of marijuana in his collective trunks. I mean, the criminal enterprise was there, but the execution was just a bit off. Anyway, PICK: COWBOYS

Patriot @ Jets: The Jets head home coming off a win, and now face a New England team who barely beat them a month ago. They should have all the confidence in the world, but somehow I think a lack of confidence just isn't this team's problem, and could actually work against them. New England will have to get creative to overcome the loss of Gronkowski, but that's what they do best. New England doesn't lose these types of games in the second half of the season. PICK: PATRIOTS

Seahawks @ Dolphins: I think most have us have been eyeing this game for weeks: The Dolphins are a team the Hawks need to beat to stay in the playoff race, and they are just "meh" enough that the Hawks should take care of business, but alas, it's an early east coast game, historically kryptonic for the good guys. Ultimately, our defense should own the Miami offense, which has been all sorts of Soviet satellite-like lately (in steady decay (BOOM! Physics jokes!)). It will come down to the offense taking care of the ball, and putting a stopper on the Dolphin's special team hijinxs. If they do, we'll get this thing done. PICK: HAWKS

Vikings @ Bears: Have you heard the one about a Bear who took a dump on Monday Night Football? Chicago is just not the same without their sour-puss quarterback, which surprises me. it really shouldn't take much talent to allow yourself to get pounded to the ground all game long. Either way, I like the Vikings, who come out of the bye looking to ground and pound. PICK: VIKINGS

Raiders @ Bengals: Cincinnati has looked pretty good now in their last 4 games. Getting Oakland at home with a chance to get over .500 should be just what the doctor ordered. PICK. BENGALS

Steelers @ Browns: Yikes. Steelers have dominated this match up for over a decade, but the Batchman leaves something to be desired, and it's on the road. Pittsburgh should be able to run the ball just enough, but something about this game smells funny. PICK: STEELERS

Bills @ Colts: Can't see Indianapolis losing this one at home. PICK: COLTS

Broncos @ Chiefs: This seems like the biggest road-team-wins gimmie of the year. Interesting to see what the Broncos do without McGahee. They've run just enough to set up the pass, but were still getting over 105 years/game on the ground. Ronnie Hillman sounds more like a guidance counselor than an NFL running back, but KC is a good place to get started. PICK: BRONCOS

Falcons @ Buccaneers: As good as Tampa has been the last several weeks, I think Matt Ryan is going to go all Abraham Lincoln to the Bucs' legions of vampires. PICK: FALCONS

Titans @ Jaguars: I've decided I hate both of these teams, like, a TON. You're both too crappy to care about, but here I have to pick one of you to "win". I feel like we all lose. Enjoy victory, half of the wonder-crap twins. PICK: JAGUARS

Ravens @ Chargers: Ravens just keep winning, despite a paper-mache defense. I think San Diego gets this game, even though they suck. This is a trap game for the Ravens. Everyone has been talking about the two Pittsburgh games, but between those they have to run out for a "quick" trip to the West Coast to play a San Diego team that still has a little talent lying around. Wrong game at wrong time for Baltimore. PICK: CHARGERS

49ers @ Saints: I hate hate hate to say it, but the 49ers have earned pick 'em till they lose status. PICK: 49ERS.

Rams @ Cardinals: Of course Steven Jackson's health will play a huge role, but the Cardinals are a mess. The Rams are maddeningly inconsistent, but have a good chance to lay it on Arizona. PICK: RAMS

Packers @ Giants: How was this not put on Thursday night? Giants are on unsteady legs, and the Packers are Reaganing, but this is still a marquee matchup. I think this might be a very good football game, but I expect the Packers to get one on the road. PICK: PACKERS

Panthers @ Eagles: PICK: PANTHERS /drops mic

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